Geek Watcher's Guide
by Titan of Saturn
Summary: Ferretti thinks that Jack's gone insane. Then he finds that it actually comes in handy. Drabble series, revised and are not really drabbles anymore. I don't own Stargate: SG1.
1. Office

He'd searched _everywhere_.

Ferretti had hit every one of Colonel O'Neill's hotspots. He'd even gone on and hit all of Daniel's hotspots. He'd tracked down Major Carter and Teal'c and asked them if they'd seen the man. (They hadn't.) Lou had stopped and checked the mess or Daniel's cot in the infirmary every fifteen minutes of his search for the past two hours. The front gate reported that he hadn't checked out. But Ferretti couldn't find the man _anywhere_.

It was a moment of desperation and total insanity that prompted the Major to check Colonel O'Neill's office. He'd been considering getting Doc Frasier to look him over for some sort of illness when he'd opened the Colonel's office door.

Major Ferretti froze. And gaped. And felt a little faint. Jack O'Neill was _in his office_. Ferretti hadn't thought Jack knew he had an office, let alone _used_ the thing.

Worse, the man was typing on his computer! Forget the dust bunnies and obvious signs of total disuse, Colonel O'Neill was sitting in his desk chair and typing something furiously on his computer (Ferretti's dazed brain noted that he must type something in the range of 50 words a minute, which was information his mind couldn't process and thus promptly forgot), consulting a haphazard pile of beaten up notes on Standard Issue off-world field paper.

Yeah, he was definitely getting Doc Frasier to check his head. And then he'd tell her about O'Neill, because Daniel's latest mishap must have been the icing on the cake and driven Jack insane once and for all.

Slowly, Ferretti backed away. The last thing Lou wanted was to interrupt O'Neill doing whatever-it-was that was so important that he'd seek out his _office_ of all things.

_O'Neill was in his office and __**working**__._

Screw the reports! Hammond would have to get someone else to sacrifice themselves in the name of the base 2IC's signature. No way was Lou going _near_ that office while Jack was in it. Or near Jack while he was in his office.

As Lou Ferretti turned the corner to the infirmary, it occurred to him to wonder _what_ Colonel O'Neill had been typing. Then he decided he probably didn't want to know.

* * *

Hey, I've changed all of these chapters so that they're a bit longer and a little more involved than they were before. The format's changed, but I hope that doesn't matter too much to all of my fans! Enjoy the new _Geek Watcher's Guide_. I do not own the characters of Stargate: SG-1 or anything else pertaining to this little skit. Thanks.

TS


	2. Recruits

Ferretti was sprawled lazily in a chair at the table behind the podium where SG-1's leader was giving the new SGC recruits the run-down. He had to stifle a yawn. He was only half paying attention to O'Neill's lecture (he was too used to watching the Colonel terrorize newbies by now for it to affect him much) but something he said caught Lou's attention. And held it, as Ferretti's mouth dropped open and he gaped at his superior for a second time.

No _way_. That was what the Colonel was doing in his office last month?

Major Louis Ferretti met Colonel Jonathan O'Neill on the very first mission through the Stargate. Then, Colonel O'Neill was hard-assed, stiff, by-the-order, and a little off his rocker. Meeting Doctor Daniel Jackson, PhD, seemed to help him gather his sanity. Encountering Ferretti's own particular kind of humor and Kowalski's laid-back attitude seemed to re-ignite O'Neill's sense of humor, and a year of real retirement helped him find that renowned, infamous back-talk for General Hammond and various others to deal with.

Jack was, however, still a hard-ass.

As he explained to the room what exactly the _Geek Watcher's Guide_ was, every single recruit stared at Colonel O'Neill with blatant disbelief– but they did it with their backs straight, their mouths shut, and their heels together. Ferretti bolted out of his chair and hit the door at what he was sure were mach speeds, forced to flee the room as soon as possible. If he hadn't, he would have spoiled the moment with his laughter.


	3. Infirmary

Heels clicked on tile. Clothes rustled against sheets. A patient three beds down groaned and rolled over with a squeak of protesting mattress. Heart monitors beeped in a steady, soothing-annoying rhythm. Somewhere above the mountain there were birds singing.

Ferretti did not feel like singing. Instead, he gaped. _Again._

'_This is becoming __**far**__ too regular an occurrence.'_ Ferretti thought.

The grey-haired Colonel glared up at him from his spot in the infirmary bed, right knee braced and elevated, waving the book in his hand under Ferretti's stunned and quavering chin. Making a frustrated sound, the injured man shoved the small booklet into his hands.

"Follow everything that says and nothing bad'll happen. And for crying out loud, Ferretti, stop looking at me like I've grown another head!"

"Yes sir." Finding no other way to follow that order than to look away, the Major turned. "Your team is safe in my hands, Colonel." Lou promised. As he walked out of the infirmary and towards the embarkation room, Lou took a moment to study the book more closely.

This was it, then. The thing that had plagued Lou in his dreams and was fast becoming Standard Issue for all SG teams. _Geek Watcher's Guide_.

It was smaller than Ferretti had thought it would be, but he observed that it was the perfect size to fit into any number of uniform pockets. Very practical on the Colonel's part, if Ferretti said so himself. Flipping it open, Lou's eye caught on the bold-face text three pages in.

**The first and most important rule of Geek Watching is not letting your geeks know you're watching them.**

_For you thick types out there, that involves not letting the geeks see this book. So see that they don't. Because once one knows, they __**all**__ know. And then this Guide wouldn't work. Which would make me mad, because I spent a lot of time in my office writing this thing. For those of you who don't know, my office is a place of total evil. Thus, I endured evil to get this Guide to you. __**Don't screw it up!**_

Ferretti pouted for a second at not being able to read the book right away. He then grinned and tucked it securely in a vest pocket. He'd get a chance later.

"Yo, Daniel!" Major Ferretti called to his friend as he entered the 'gate room. "How's it feel being free of the Colonel for a mission or two?"

"Well, I don't know, Lou." Daniel smirked. "I _was_ ecstatic about it, but then I found out who his replacement was . . ."

"Har, har. Everybody geared up?"

"Good to go." Major Carter told him.

Stepping out the other side of the wormhole, Ferretti's fingers twitched towards his vest pocket. But no, he didn't want to be the one that blew the cover on the _Geek Watcher's Guide_. Besides ruining the whole thing, he'd get O'Neill Blacklisted.

Lou shuddered. He'd study it when the mission was over; he wasn't going to chance getting O'Neill Blacklisted again. It was an experience worse than death.


	4. Off World

Ferretti flipped hastily trough the pages of the small booklet given to him not three hours ago by Colonel O'Neill. What did it say to do if both Daniel _and_ Major Carter went missing? Ah, here. Chapter eight. More than One is Missing.

'_When a multiple amount of geeks are missing, four or above, call back to the SGC for reinforcements. If the number is lower than that, then find the connections between their various specialties, compare that to your surroundings, and try to see what all of the egg-heads might have been looking at when they became missing. Then react accordingly as follows:_

_Make sure the rest of your team knows what happened and where you think the missing egg-heads might have gone._

_Tell them to report back to the SGC with that information. (If your team only consists of four members including yourself, contact the SGC together/yourself, depending on the number of missing geeks, before proceeding to step 3.)_

_Investigate said possibility with at least one other team member as backup._

_Try not to fall into whatever trap or trigger whatever secret door your geeks triggered when investigating._

_Attempt a rescue once what happened is discovered._

_Do not leave the planet without your geeks before a second search party or reinforcements are sent. Odds are that the one time you leave to debrief when geeks (multiple) have gone missing is the one time it wasn't an accident and they're being used in some Goa'uld plot. _

_Note: If you break rule number 6 then you are dead to SG-1. And we don't forget._

_Note 2: If said missing geeks happen to be Major Carter and Dr. Jackson, you had better return both of them unharmed and on time or I skin you alive. Also, if you've managed to loose __**both**_ _of my geeks on one mission while I'm not there, I pity you. Your luck must suck, because even I've never managed to do that.'_

Jack wrote this? Who would have known?

But forget that! Crap, he had to find Daniel and Carter. Lou wanted to keep his skin, thank you very much. Where were their chapters again? Didn't Carter's say something about liking shiny alien tech and her having a penchant for pressing buttons . . . ? Or was it that Daniel's chapter said he liked to press buttons and then wander into secrets rooms without telling anyone . . . ?

Ferretti was dead. He was worse than dead. He was O'Neill Blacklisted.

Lou really hated life.


End file.
